he’s in the waiting
It’s been a minute, but this post has been brewing for a while and I think I’m finally ready to write it. We’ll see.
This season of life has been one of the strangest and hardest- I feel as though I’ve lived in “almost but not yet” for about three years now in just about every area of my life. Like everything I’ve ever wanted is being dangled in front of me but I can’t have it yet.
If you know me well (actually if you know me at all), you know that pretty much anyone close to me has gotten married in the past two years. We’ll joke about it (you’re in another wedding? everyone you know has to be married by now), and it’s funny. It is. But it’s also pretty painful. Living out 27 dresses sans James Marsden just kind of sucks and allows deep insecurity to fester. Why am I not married yet? Am I that annoying? That unworthy? That uninteresting? Well-meaning people encourage me, saying that he’ll come along and I’ll get married someday and all will be hunky dory. But most of these people were high school sweethearts (or childhood), or met their spouse in college, and my high school and college relationships didn’t work out. I’m currently older than my parents were when they got married. Which puts this fear in the pit of my stomach that I’ve missed the train. It’s left. There are no more men, they’re all married.
Also, If you know me well, you know I’m content hanging out with myself. I’m a pretty independent person, like the enjoys-traveling-alone, sees-movies-alone, eats-out-alone type. But one of the deepest desires of my heart for as long as I can remember is to share my life with someone. For someone to know me. To know someone else. To grow with someone. To encourage them. To serve the Lord next to them. To have and adopt children. To tell them the little things. It’s the one thing I want most that I seem to keep being passed over to get. And it’s incredibly frustrating.
SUBJECT CHANGE WARNING (I’m tying this together I promise)
Okay, so I’ve been in school for EIGHT MILLION YEARS. But really, it has been 21 straight years (yes I started when I was 2 my mom’s crazy) and I am waaaaaaaaaaay past done. Networking, portfolio, interview, job hunting, and student loans are all words that make me want to simultaneously throw up and hide in a corner forever. I have never, ever wanted a season to be over more than this one of endless school.
In case you didn’t know (but if you don’t, I have no idea how you missed it lol) I’m doing creative media stuff at Radiant Church in Macon (which launched yesterday!!) and it’s all I’ve ever wanted to do with my life. To simultaneously be able to design and build structures from the ground up, all while building meaningful relationships within the church and in the community. YES! THIS! YES! Seriously, I love it.
Here’s the kicker though: I still live in Atlanta. I still go to school in Atlanta. I still work in Atlanta. It gets harder and harder to get motivated to drive back up every weekend because I love what I’m doing there. Thankfully I only have to do this until June, but we only just started and this is SO. HARD. The work I so desperately want to be doing is right there, but I’m too busy to enter in fully as I so desire to do.
HERE’S THE TYING TOGETHER PART (can you tell I’m not a writer)
Okay, I’m a relatively hard person to bother (although my family might laugh at this). I have very few pet peeves (aside from road rage). These include my hands being messy and people telling me what to do when I already know what to do.
You know, when someone’s watching you do something, and you absolutely know what you’re doing, and right when you’re about to do something, they tell you what to do. IT MAKES ME CRAZY.
Most recent example: I was setting up my phone, and I knew what I was doing, I was just waiting for it to load. My mom was looking over my shoulder and said “you’re supposed to hit that button” and I about exploded (sorry mom). “I KNOW. I WAS WAITING FOR IT TO LOAD. I CAN’T STAND FOR PEOPLE TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO WHEN I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING.”
A few days ago, I was driving to Macon (lol) and I had just been trying to talk to this boy that was apparently uninterested. I was so frustrated. “I’m trying here, Lord, but you just aren’t doing anything.” And clear as day, I heard back “You remember what your mom did to you the other day? You’re doing that to me now.”
he knows, he knows, he knows.
He knows all of my desires, everywhere I’ve been, and He knows where I am.
He knows what’s next and what’s after that and what’s after that.
And here I am looking over His shoulder and telling Him what to do.
Isn’t that silly? Isn’t that annoying? It’s bonkers! It’s so easy to forget where you’re at, lose sight of who’s in charge, and think you have to make everything happen for yourself. I’m trying to steer and control my life and why?? When I can’t see even close to everything? SO SILLY!
I was going to close this with the lyrics He used to bring my sight back, but while I was writing this he gave me another song too!!
“Slow down, take time,
breathe in, He said.
He’ll reveal what’s to come.
The thoughts in his mind
always higher than mine.
He’ll reveal all to come.
Take courage, my heart,
Stay steadfast, my soul.
He’s in the waiting.
Hold on to your hope
As your triumph unfolds.
He’s never-failing.”
Take Courage-Bethel
And the other little snippet:
“Empty handed, but not forsaken”
Broken Vessels- Hillsong United
Isaiah 55:8-9
Luke 12:7
Isaiah 43:1-2
Matthew 10:29-31
cash me on da flow uglee cryin, howbow dah?