self, uncensored
I’ve been falling into a really terrible trap lately that I feel is pretty common for females (and males, so I guess just people in general). I’m very thankful that the Lord gave me perspective to see what I was doing and how it was harmful and totally not in line with His truth, because I can’t move forward in Him until I see what’s keeping me where I am.
Last night, I went to the gym. It’s not something I do super often, but it was one of my new years resolutions to go, so there I was. Meaghan and I were in the abs and arms area, and she was (hopelessly) trying to teach me how to do lunges and squats and various other exercises that appear to be easy enough, but for me, they just weren’t. I stopped and stood up, frustrated with myself because who can’t do this? this is ridiculous and everyone’s looking at me like I’m an idiot. I looked up in the mirror to fix my ponytail, and thought to myself why did I not straighten my hair? I always look more ‘athletically cute’ when I do. I’m so ready for my hair to grow back, this haircut makes my face look fat… and so on and so forth. Meaghan then went downstairs for her volleyball game, and I decided to run another mile around the track, where I was getting passed by fit person after athletic person after person with much more endurance than I’ve ever possessed. As I was (slowly) running, I looked over and saw my reflection in the window. I started to regret my choice of t-shirt because geez, my hips look bigger than they already are like why do I even own this shirt-
All of a sudden, mid-self-degrading thought, a voice inside me said STOP. So I stopped. I stepped back in my mind for a minute and realized what I was doing to not just myself, but to the Lord. Because I’m his creation and he built me and designed me for his purpose, and I’ve been doing nothing but wishing I was different. I have been trying to be everything for everyone instead of further developing the skills and gifts God gave me.
I’ve always wished I were more athletic (which is totally not a bad thing intrinsically-we’re called to steward our bodies well, but at this point it was harmful). I always wanted to be the smartest one in the class, and whenever I failed to be at the top, I would play it off like the class was dumb and I didn’t care about it. I’ve always wanted to be the girl with impeccable fashion sense that always looks cute. I’ve always wanted to be the super bubbly girl that’s really fun and never embarrassed and that people just immediately love (this one was particularly frustrating due to my naturally introverted nature). I’ve always wanted to be the most musical, the most creative, the funniest…
You get the picture. I would see an area in which someone else was gifted, spiritually and physically, try to 'make’ myself gifted in that area, and hate myself when I failed. Now, it is not a bad thing to see areas of your life where you are not lined up with the word and improve them with the Lord and your own discipline. That’s sanctification, and it’s necessary. It’s growth. But when you’re trying to be a perfect person at the expense of the gifts and talents you were already given, it’s harmful and it’s not going to accomplish anything but self-loathing.
I have come to notice a plethora of ways in which I am not gifted, but there are many ways the Lord has gifted me as well, which he has specifically picked so that I can give him as much glory through my life as possible, which is absolutely what we were created for. So, if you find yourself ignoring your favorite qualities and talents just to hate the ways you’re not, Take a step back and remember that God created you to bring Him glory, and that pit of self-loathing isn’t going to do that.
1 Corinthians 12 || Psalm 139:14 || Isaiah 43:7 || Ephesians 2:10 || 2 Corinthians 10:12